Gags 24

1. I had this show business get together where everybody had to do something out of character. Oliver Reed drank Perrier Water, Wogan listened to people, Tarbuck told a funny joke, Cliff Richard groped a waitress and Bygraves offered to pay the bill.

2. I was there when Magnus Magnussen popped the question to his wife. Got down on one knee and said ‘What’s the capital of Australia?’ She said ‘Wellington’ and booted him.

3. The TUC announced its plans to get the country back on its feet. It called a national bus strike for next Thursday.

4. A Policeman broke a flying pickets nose in three places – Derby, Notts and Leicester.

5. Union sponsored Musical, “Seven bribes for seven brothers.”

6. All our Government secrets are stored on just 2 microchips – one in the Pentagon and one in the Kremlin.

7. I rang dial a prayer and asked for help to get through to Directory enquiries.

8. Private medicine. Give you a wallet transplant to help you pay through the nose.

9. The operation was delayed. The anaesthetist had forgotten his hammer.

10. The Government have found a sneaky way of cutting back the NHS. From now on they’ll only hire Jewish Doctors, so hospitals have to close on Saturdays.

11. I thought junk food was something you got from a Chinese take away in Venice.

12. Should attack heavy drinkers rather than heavy smokers. Lets face it, no-one ever started a fight ‘cos they’d had 3 cigarettes too many – with the possible exception of Alex Higgins.

13. How to break a Tonka Toy – send it through the post marked ‘Fragile’

14. The First Class post is going up but GPO have promised we’ll get more for our money – bigger stamps.

15. Last year the GPO complaints department only received one angry letter. All the other angry letters were delivered to the wrong address.

16. Motto of the Guardian – all the news that’s fit to prunt

17. When the Germans saw Margaret Thatcher on TV they all had the same thought – ‘How come the Luftwaffe missed Grantham’