Gags 19

1. Someone told him that women lived longer than men, so when he was 70 he had a sex change operation.

2. Had ‘army’ tattooed across his chest. Should have been ‘Mary’ but tattooist had dyslexia.

3. A Schizophrenic bus conductor made me pay twice.

4. He caught a social disease from a faith healer.

5. I took a sleeping pill and dreamt I was still awake.

6. He was shot by the Gestapo in 1963. Happened at Benidorm. Seems he was sitting in their deck chair.

7. Bought some iron tablets and they rusted.

8. I found a magic lamp. When I rubbed it a Yorkshire genie popped out, told me he was from Grimbsy and gave me three fishes.

9. I got a fatal dose of food poisoning from a carton of long life milk.

10. Failed my driving test. On the way there I ran over the examiner.

11. I am so unlucky that I bought an artificial flower and it died.

12. I wouldn’t say he was an unlucky kid, but the tooth fairy left him an I.O.U.

13. He died on his 99th birthday. Family gave him a surprise party and the shock killed him.

14. He was pulled out of the lake half drowned. Someone shouted ‘Give him the kiss of life’ and an Eskimo steamed in and rubbed noses with him for four hours.

15. I wouldn’t say he was unlucky, but he had a kidney transplant from a bed-wetter.

16. I asked for a DIY pine table kit – They gave me an axe and a map of Norway.

17. Drink cost me my driving licence. I only got done for parking, but the solicitor that defended me was pissed.