Gags 17

1. The last thing he did was to make love in the missionary position – standing up in a Cannibals cook pot, his wife wanted to add carrots and onions.

2. Advertising copy writer – not cut out for it. Best slogans I came up with were ‘Things go better with Dandelion and Burdock’ and ‘all because the lady loves Eccles Cakes’ and ‘Be sociable. Have a Poopsi’

3. He was a police dog handler till he got six months for it. Caught him receiving stolen police dogs.

4. I had an affair with a German Countess while she was changing trains at Crewe.

5. I was the first to invent the toilet seat. It didn’t catch on till three years later when someone put a hole in the middle.

6. I got a job as a giraffe sexers accomplice. Very responsible position. Had to hold the ladder and pass the pliers.

7. He was a promising pianist till drink ruined his career. He was making his way out of the pub one night and someone trod on his fingers.

8. He worked like a horse. People used to follow him round with a bucket and shovel.

9. His hobby’s breeding horses, but he’s got a stallion that does most of the work.

10. Independent. When he was 73 he joined the Boy Scouts so he could help himself across the road.

11. Absent minded. Went to doctors for a medical, took the sample in a Lucozade bottle and left it on the bus.

12. Pathetic gambler. Lost his glass eye in an all night game of marbles.

13. The Mafia stuck a bomb down his trousers and made him an offer he couldn’t diffuse.

14. Started out as a truss juggler, but he knew he’d never be anything more than a support act.

15. Went for a job as a litter collector. Said “Any previous experience?” I said “No. I’ll just pick it up as I go along.”

16. Man came to the door with a smile on his face. Said, “ I’m from Littlewoods.”  I said “Have I won the pools?” Said “ No. I’ve come to repossess your catalogue.”

17. Once tore a telephone directory in half. Admittedly it was the directory for the Falkland Islands.