Gags 15

1. Alternative quiz show on black economy 50 quid in your hand and no questions asked.

2. It was so cold, brass monkeys were begging for thermal underwear.

3. Difference between a canopy and a canapé? Found out in Scots toilet “if yer cana pay yer cana pee”

4. Annual dinner of the Paranormal Society. Booked a stripper who proved existence of telekinesis by standing on stage and taking off the audiences clothes.

5. Waiting for no. 28 truss – it’s the one to Turnham Green.

6. Vivisectionist doing impression of Dr Doolittle – “If I could torture the animals”

7. Bruce’s address to his troops at Bannockburn – “nice to see you, to see you nice”

8. You can tell you’re really getting old when Father Christmas’s start looking younger every year.

9. If it weren’t for Jewish people the world would be overrun by chickens.

10. Politicians are as honest as the day is long ad as far as they’re concerned its always December 21st.

11. Old age is when you start dressing for bed.

12. I was walking past a fire station when I saw two buckets of water mating, so I threw a dog over them.

13. Got a dog that does impressions of Hollywood detectives. Jumps into a taxi and says “chase that car”

14. I bought my wife some steel wool and told her to knit me a kettle.

15. I waited so long for a number 56 bus, I ended up having to catch 2 28’s

16. Got a job as a sausage retriever in a Whirling Dervishes restaurant.

17. My father bought me chopsticks and taught me to play the piano on them.

18. Someone told me it was wrong to keep animals in captivity, so I broke into a supermarket and released the sardines from their tins.

19. I tried to give myself an egg shampoo, but the chicken kept falling off my head.

20. I had a nasty accident, was cleaning my glasses and my head got stuck in the dishwasher.

21. First time I went to a party. Invitation said ‘bring a bottle’ so I took a bottle of salad cream.