Gags 30

1. World was finished in eight days. On the 8th day God gathered up the leftovers and made Birmingham.

2. America gave the world Coca Cola, but it refused to take back the empties.

3. Do hares have people lips?

4. The ‘u’ is silent except during bestiality.

5. Channel 4 are doing Shakespeare on the cheap ‘Is this a nail file I see before me?’

6. If Sir Henry Moore designed his own clothes, would he have plenty of holes in his socks.

7. Women are blessed with greater endurance – to outlive men and collect the insurance.

8. Hell hath no fury like a centipede with gout.

9. Rose and Krantz – Shakespeare Pub.

10. Hanging Gardens of Basildon.

11. Cowardly Custard – fast food place for sissies.

12. Chalfont St Vitas – home of the dance festival.

13. I Bought a carpet with instructions on the back. Fluffy side up.

14. I am so unlucky. I bought a cheap copy of Goldfinger and it turned green.

15. I entered my horse in a selling race. The winner was sold to an Arab Sheikh and mine was sold to a Belgian restaurant.

16. Miserable lot queuing outside pub waiting for happy hour to finish.

17. Had a crooked nose – it had fallen off the back of a lorry.

18. Optimist. Set up in business making haemorrhoid ointment and applied for a Royal Warrant.

19. Thrown out of a lunatic asylum in Germany for singing God Rest ye Jerry Mental Men.

20. Joan Collins got rid of her latest boyfriend. She blamed it on the age gap. He kept getting out of bed to watch Playschool.

21. Cocktail called the Gordon Brown. Two of these and you start thinking you’re going to be voted Prime Minister.

22. 600 people embarked on Britain’s cross-channel swim. Got tired of waiting for Sea Link.